This Just In...No Child Left Behind
© David Volk

Although it has not been widely publicized, the Bush administration has made a few interesting changes to its No Child Left Behind program of late. Remember, you heard them here first.

  1. Effective immediately, the administration has agreed to allow problem school districts to adopt a strategy from the World War II era when there were far fewer discipline problems. As of the start of this school year, districts will be able to avoid leaving any child behind by shooting any student who ruins the grading curve by repeatedly failing federally mandated standardized tests. In the first example of inter-agency cooperation between the Department of Education and the Office of Homeland Security, school boards will not have to spend money on weapons, bullets or executioners to carry out this policy. Instead, Homeland Security will use off-duty airline pilots in exchange for their free weapons training.
  2. HARDSHIP EXCEPTION. In a nod towards its continuing policy of compassionate conservatism, the Bush administration will allow for a humanitarian exception to the above policy and will waive the early termination provision if said student agrees to military service in an international hot spot.

As a result, children in danger of being left behind the rest of the people in their classroom will now be sent to the Iraq.