The Mompire Strikes Back
(c) David Volk
Okay, so I’m back. Not for long, mind you. Like death and taxes, these days the only other certainty in my life is Florida. If I’m not visiting there, on my way there or returning from there, then chances are, I’m in the middle of planning another trip there.
As I look at the stack of mail that has piled up in my absence, I realize there’s an even messier stack of stuff littering my brain that includes personal developments unreported, amusing irritations unranted upon and political news left untouched without the benefit of even so much as an “I told you so” (even though I did).
And we all know what that means. Yes, it’s time for another edition of schticks and schtones, quick commentaries on stuff that amuses, irritates or just makes me laugh. Here goes:
THE MOMPIRE STRIKES BACK
It now occurs to me that death is a parent’s ultimate revenge against messy kids. After having spent so long cleaning up your little messes ranging from dirty diapers and minor spills to endless piles of laundry, a parent can get even by leaving you one honking huge mess to put away.
Yeah, sure, it’s painful, but only in the short term and you recover quickly. It’s just like banging your thumb with a hammer several thousand times. It hurts like hell while it’s happening, but you eventually get over it.
A PIG IN PUMPS WEARING A DRESS
Earlier today, George W gave a speech in which he outlined a new defense of his decision to go to war in Iraq.
These repeated attempts to keep explaining why we went to war when none of the previous explanations have panned out is a bit like putting Manolo Blahniks*, a designer dress and lipstick on a pig. You can dress it up all you want, but it’s still a pig.
(*Note to non-fashionistas: Manolo Blahniks are really expensive shoes)
I’M NOT SAYING THEY’RE STUPID, BUT….
I’m not sure how to put this, but….well…
I …um…went to…ahem…
I ate at…uh…
I didn’t mean to, but….
OH, HELL, I ATE AT HOOTERS IN FORT MYERS!!! THERE, ARE YOU SATISFIED?
I just want to point out that it was late, the town rolls up its sidewalks at 9, most of the restaurants were closed, I was hungry and I had a hankering for some Hot Breast…WINGS! WINGS! I MEANT WINGS!
I can’t say they were all they were stacked up to be. They were spicy and all, but not as spicy as I’d hoped.
Since I was by myself and there wasn’t much to do while I waited for my food, I began surveying my surroundings and noticed that there were lots of photos of celebrities surrounded by Hooters girls. There were plenty of NASCAR types and even a few favorite guy entertainers (like Home Improvement’s Tim Allen). Apparently, these people were so famous that the restaurant must have just assumed that patrons would already know who they were. There was another photo of a decidedly less athletic looking man that the chain must have thought patrons might not recognize, however, because the owners felt the need to put his name on the photo with the following caption:
GEORGE BUSH SR.
I think that speaks for itself.
DANGER THERE’S A SHAKEDOWN DEAD AHEAD….
I woke to news that Condoleeza Rice had paid a surprise visit to Iraq and it made me wonder about the timing of these trips. After all, none of Don Rumsfield’s surprise trips ever made any difference in the polls and support for the war has been dropping so fast now that I was having trouble seeing the wisdom of these quick-and-dirty meet and greets. Then it dawned on me and I realized the explanation was simple, really.
When you think about it, who makes frequent, unannounced visits to problem places that aren’t living up to expectations? And what do they do to straighten things out?….THINK ABOUT IT….ONE MORE SECOND….
Yep, it was Condi’s turn to pick up the protection money….
HEY, FOR FAST INSURGENCY, THE DOMINO THEORY DELIVERS IT FREE….
George Clooney may be claiming his movie about Edward R. Murrow’s battle with Joe McCarthy doesn’t have any parallels to our current political situation, but all I can say is, “Yeah, right.”
I mean, am I the only one who has noticed that you could easily substitute the phrase “communism” and not substantially change the meaning of Bush administration comments on the “war on terror”?
HOW THE HELL DID THEY KNOW?
I ran out of shampoo and conditioner during a recent visit to Florida and was forced to borrow some that had been in the guest bathroom.
Just before I put on the conditioner and saw instructions that struck me as strange. I mean, I know I like to get in and out of the shower and head out the door quickly, but I was puzzled that the manufacturer knew this.
The package for the leave-in conditioner said, “MASSAGE INTO HAIR. LEAVE IN FOR ONE MINUTE. THEN, TAKE OFF.”
Eerie, isn’t it?
Maybe Big Brother really is watching…..
FROM A MAN WHO’S JUST HAPPY TO BE HERE….WHEREEVER HERE IS,
DAVID G(et me another tiny pack of pretzels, please) Volk