Let's all set our pants on fire....
(c) David Volk 2003

“Use of force in the apprehension of Jake and Elwood Blues….is approved.” --Dispatcher in “The Blues Brothers.”

Did you know that George Bush did such a good job propping up the economy that it remained strong throughout the entire eight years of the Clinton administration?

Did you know that Bill Clinton’s presidency was the worst thing that ever happened to this country?

Were you aware that the current economic downtown had absolutely nothing to do with George W. Bush and is all Bill Clinton’s fault?

And did you know that John Ashcroft is Missouri’s gift to the people of the United States?

I bet you didn’t know that, did you.

I also bet you didn’t know that George Bush knew all about plans for a hijacking on September 11th and did nothing about it.

You’d probably be shocked to know that he saw what he thought as a minor hijacking incident to be the perfect excuse to invade Iraq and get revenge for Saddam’s attempt to kill his father. It just got a little out of control. Which is why he had to rush to Nebraska right after the attacks. Not to run for cover, but to hide all the statements he’d prepared about how evil the hijackers were and how he wouldn’t negotiate with terrorists.

Oh, and that whole drug thing? GW never kicked the habit. He’s just as hopped up on coke and booze as ever, which is why his beady little eyes open wide in confusion any time he has to depart from prepared remarks and answer questions. Not many people know this, but the real reason he choked on a pretzel is because he was strung out on acid and forgot to swallow….

Yes, I admit all of the above statements are lies, but there’s one key difference between the pro-Bush half truths and the anti ones: The Republicans believe them.

Yep, that’s right. As strange as it may seem, many conservative Republican Americans believe the pro-Bush claptrap because their favorite leaders, pundits and politicians have been lying to them for years. They knew that Clinton wasn’t really involved in Whitewater. They knew that Al Gore never said he invented the internet. And they knew the reason George Bush Sr. lost the election was because he had lost touch with the American public and didn’t take any steps to prop up the economy until it was too late.

They also knew something more important.

That if you tell a lie often enough, people begin to believe it.

Especially when no one’s around to challenge it. Or no one is allowed to. That’s why they first had to air these hateful comments in places where they knew no one would contradict them or where people who did would be subject to ridicule. Places like the Rush Limbaugh Show, Moral Majority gatherings and the Fox Network.

Once the lies took root with the Rush Limbaugh and Jerry Springer fans, it was easy for the lies to blossom because simple people like simple explanations and simple explanations can be embroidered to ensnare even vulnerable intelligent people. Once more people believed it, it was easy for the politicians who whispered the lies in the first place to respond to the concerns of their now whipped up constituents (kind of like Hitler’s whole anti-Jewish thing in World War II), by becoming the flag-bearers for their people.

At this point, things have become so entrenched that there’s really no way that shedding the light of truth on these lies will ever cause the falsehoods to flee in fear because they have far too many followers and far too much has been invested in them.

As distasteful as it sounds, there is one proven way we can fight back, however.

Let’s all lie.

Let’s lie, lie, lie as though our lives depended on it (because they probably do).

Let’s use their weapons against them in the most audacious way possible.

If they’re claiming that tax cuts will help the economy, let’s tell people it’s an effort to shrink the government so small that the U.N. forces can fly in and take over without a fight.

Judicial nominees not getting through because they claim Democrats are being obstructionist? Let’s tell them we’re just being patriotic and making sure that the reports about particular nominees supporting a move to ban “The Pledge of Allegiance” from public schools aren’t true.

If they talk about how brave a man Resident Bush was during the September 11th attacks, let’s produce an Air Force One co-pilot who is willing to swear that Bush was whimpering from fear so much that he had to be flown to Nebraska until he could pull it together.

And the next time Bush appears in a fighter pilot’s jacket on board a war ship, let’s tell people that the reason he failed to report for service an entire year is he was at an anti-gay camp being deprogrammed and converted to heterosexuality.

Yes, I know the thought of this last lie is as embarrassing to gays as the thought of Jerry Lewis claiming to be Jewish is mortifying to Jews, but it may accomplish something honesty can’t. It will force GW to admit where he was during that time. And then Americans will see him for the posturing draft dodger, military police eluding child or privilege he really is.

Yes, I know Mark Twain once said that when you get down in the mud with the pigs, you both get dirty and the pig enjoys it, but it occurs to me that liberals aren't having much fun sitting back and being honest just now. So let's get out there, lie our hearts out and have a good time doing it.

From a man who's already lying through his teeth.