A Voice From The Past....
(c) David Volk

Hello all. It’s me, the rant.

Yes, I know, it’s been so long since we’ve seen each other that you probably didn’t recognize me. It’s been, what? Something like two years now since I made a regular appearance in your inbox. I’m sure the hair color, new glasses and few additional pounds didn’t help matters any.

What’s that?

No, I did not have a sex change operation. I can’t believe you would even ask such a question.

Why, do I look like I had a sex change? What? Is it the font? Because I can change that, you know. Maybe go for something hipper and sportier, but I was afraid it made my butt look big….

Wait, that’s not the point. The point is that I’m back and I’m here to stay. I might not appear weekly like I used to, but you’ll be seeing a lot more of me. Sometimes several times a week, especially now that an election is coming up.

And while we’re on the subject of the election, I wanted to give you a wonderfully subversive hint to help you survive holiday visits with your Republican relatives. This year surprise them by agreeing to many of their points, then hit them where they’re weakest by starting your response with the following:

“I would vote for the Republicans if only….”

Here are a few of my favorite examples:

“if only they supported the troops.” (asking injured soldiers to return signing bonuses, conditions at Walter Reed Hospital, refusal to allow soldiers time off after a year in Iraq)

“if only they weren’t weak on terror” (George Bush fails to kill Osama Bin Laden in August on the Fox web site, believe it or not)

“if only they weren’t so soft on crime” (outing of a CIA operative, pardoning of a perjurer, Tom Delay money laundering, Jack Abramoff influence peddling)

“if only they weren’t such perverts” (Sen. Larry Craig’s bathroom sex, Mark Foley pedophilia, prostitute user/diaper wearer Sen. David Vitter, White House reporter/gay prostitute Jeff Gannon, Rudy Giuliani married cousin, there's lots more).

Of course, these are just suggestions. I’m sure you can come up with a few of your own. Oh, and don't forget to say it loud enough to be heard at the next table. We don't believe in whispering campaigns, but we can't control what other people do....

From a rant that’s nothing if not helpful.....