The Attack of the Bugles
© David Volk

The bugle is sounding again!

First there were the explosions and now that those have died down to one or so every few hours, the bugles keep coming back. I don’t know what they symbolize or stand for, but one of the these days I fully expect them to be followed by a rebel yell.

And then, who knows?

Maybe 1980’s punk rocker Billy Idol will emerge yelling, “More, more, more.”

Oh, and did I mention that the radio just said that there will be 16 hours and 32 minutes of daylight today, 5 minutes and 27 seconds more daylight than yesterday?

And the shooting has started again.

Welcome to Alaska, military style.

No, I’m not under siege or in a shooting war, I’m on a working vacation at Fort Richardson, an Army base located 15 minutes outside of Anchorage. Although the base is updating its soldier barracks with a more colorful roof, it still wouldn’t be much to look at if it weren’t for the Chugach Mountains framing it on two sides.

It is odd to be here while the controversy over U.S. troops tortu…um…er….abuse of prisoners goes on in Washington, but that’s another topic for another time. I’d rant about it now, but I can’t think of much funny to say about it, so it will have to wait for the next rant.

The phrase “stupid is as stupid does” comes to mind, but that would be doing a disservice to the intellect of Forrest Gump.
Instead of focusing on the negative, though, I’d like to share some things I’ve learned since comeing to the Great White North.

WHERE’S DOUG AND BOB: Alaska may be the great white north, eh, but Doug and Bob McKenzie are nowhere to be found. Beauty, eh?

JOHN KERRY IN THE LURCH: Just to prove I’m an equal opportunity critic, I wanted to abuse the Democratic nominee for a moment. Thanks to a show I attended last night I now realize that John Kerry and Jack Cassidy may be the same man. Don’t believe me? Then go to the John Kerry web site and pull up an Addam’s Family fan site and compare the candidate’s picture with that of the family butler, Lurch. If they aren’t the same guy then they must have been separated at birth.

MORE CONGRATULATIONS TO GEORGE W ONCE AGAIN: The new employment figures came out today and showed that 288,000 new jobs were created in March. I wish Mr. Bush a heart-felt congratulations. If things keep up at this rate, he may well actually create his first net new job shortly after he’s voted out of office.

And what better way to celebrate the economic gains than by going on a pro-employment campaign tour of depressed states like Ohio and Michigan in a Canadian-made bus?

WHERE’S JOEL FLEISHMAN WHEN YOU NEED HIM?: There may not be a Cecily, Alaska, but TV’s Northern Exposure got one thing right: Moose roaming the streets.

Okay, okay, maybe not in downtown Anchorage, but there are plenty of them roaming the base. Maybe the Seattle Mariners could put one of them to work. Lord knows, the current mascot hasn’t been much help.

STOP YOUR BLUBBERING AND BUY THE SPAM FLIP FLOPS ALREADY!:

Anchorage may not be much to look at, but it does have a few attractions worth mentioning: The Ulu knife factory, Title Wave Books and The Whale Fat Follies. The first two are self-explanatory. Factory tours are fun and bookstores are great.

The Follies, however, are something completely different.

You can’t miss the home of the Follies, a local production poking fun at all things Alaskan. It’s the only building in town with a plane crashed into the roof.

The inside of the Fly By Night Club where the follies are performed is even kitschier than the outside with old giant beer bottles hanging from the ceiling, a variety of Spam products on offer (cookbooks, postcards, flip flops) and Easter Island tissue box holders that dispense tissues out of the nose of the statue. (I bought one. Stop by some time and I’ll show it to you.) What could be more fun than that?

The show itself pokes fun of everything local ranging from newspaper spelling errors, vanity license plates and “Queer Eye for the Sockeye.”

The whole show is a stitch, but the best part of the evening for me was that it gave me for a new-found love for the song, “The Lion Sleeps Tonight.” I had heard it so often that I had grown to hate the ditty, but that was before I heard the Whale Fat Follies version, “The Liar Sleeps Tonight.” (In fact, I liked it so much I bought the CD. Stop on by some time and I’ll play it for you.)

Heck, I liked it so much, I wanted to share the words with you. Remember, it should be sung to the tune “The Lion Sleeps Tonight.”

Bomb iraq,
Bomb iraq,
The cowboys back
The cowboys back,
Shock and awe, shock and awe
Avenge my pa, Avenge my pa,

We’ll fight the axis of evil bring it on,
We’ll drill for oil until the fossil fuels are gone,
In the White House, the Whitey White House,
The liar Sleeps tonight.
In the Mideast, the oily mideast,
I’m gonna pick a fight,

(Wingin it, wingin’ it,
I’m such a twit, I’m such a twit,
Wingin it, wingin’ it,
I’m such a twit, I’m such a twit.)

No weapons of mass destruction can be found,
Haliburton is certain there’s oil in the ground,
On your TV, the cable TV,
The liar speaks tonight,
Deficits rise, no tax for rich guys,
I never was too bright.

(The Dixie Chicks, the Dixie Chicks,
They’re crafty pricks, They’re crafty pricks,
The Dixie Chicks, the Dixie Chicks,
They’re crafty pricks, They’re crafty pricks.)

Cheney hides somewhere and tells me what to do,
Ashcroft looks for spies and has his gall bladder removed,
Lots of people out of work,
“ I feel no pain”
The French all think that he’s a jerk,
And so does Spain,
He wore a flight suit on a boat,
“ They let me steer.”
Just to get another vote,
I’ll buy the beer.

(Chug a lug, chug a lug,
Chug a lug, chug a lug,
Chug a lug, chug a lug,
Chug a lug, Chug a lug.)

Hush my darling, the bread line’s forming,
But we’re going to fly to Mars,
Hush dear Momma, Forget Osama, Kabul and Kanduhar,
Hanging Chad, Hanging Chad,
Thank you dad, Thank you dad,
Hanging Chad, Hanging Chad,
Thank you dad, Thank you dad,
My brother made sure I won in Florida,
I went awol from the National Guard,
I got Colin Powell, I got Condoleeza,
Jesus supports me, Mel Gibson agreesa’
When I was young I got a DUI,
But I got Uday and I got Kusai,
I fought the Axis of Evil around the world,
The liberal media makes me hurl,
$87 billion was the bill,
Wait’ll we go after Kim Jung Il,

Bomb iraq,
Bomb iraq,
The cowboys back
The cowboys back,
Shock and awe, shock and awe
Avenge my pa, Avenge my pa,

In the White House, the whitey White House,
The liar sleeps tonight,
In the White House, the whitey White House,
The liar sleeps tonight,
In the White House, the whitey White House,
The liar sleeps tonight…….”