What the Hell is A Store-Bought Woman?
(c) David Volk

Oh, I love my Rosie child
She got the way to make me happy
You and me, we go in style
Cracklin' Rosie you're a store-bought woman

And now, in honor of Neil Diamond, a weekly reminder that not only basks you in the warm glow of nostalgia from Monday's concert, but also reminds you that you need to submit calendar items soon, before today's 4 p.m. deadline.

Sadly, this reminder doesn't answer the "store-bought woman" question, but then again, it is a question that has puzzled scholars (in their off hours when they have nothing better to do) for years. Some say Diamond means booze, a few think it has something to do with cosmetics and still others want to know where they can buy a woman. Or a man. I had been studying this question for years until I heard a gas station ad on television a few years back.

The ad closed with an announcer saying, "Come to Shell for answers."

So, I did. They didn't know. Heck, they didn't even know who killed Trotsky (Everyone with any ounce of sense knows it was Lee Harvey Oswald).

This nagging question would have continued to haunt me until I went to look at some of his other lyrics and I realized, these are the rantings of a crazy man. I mean who else would say: "Money talks/But it don't sing and dance/And it don't walk/And long as I can have you here with me/I'd much rather be/Forever in blue jeans, babe."

I mean, don't you think he'd like to wear shorts once in a while? After all, it can get pretty hot up here.

Oh, and who can forget: "I am," I said/To no one there/And no one heard at all/Not even the chair...."? I mean, what kind of idiot expects a chair to hear, after all? It's an inanimate object. Heck, I know some animate objects who don't hear all that well.

There you have it, proof positive that Neil Diamond is insane. Or at the very least worried that if you don't submit your calendar items on time, the chairs in your cubicle might begin to listen...and start talking about you while you're not around.

Calendar item deadline: 4 pm

David Volk