I was raised by wolves in the wilds of a far off foreign land somewhere near Zagreb. I've never been in Zagreb, mind you, I just like the name. Unfortunately, the whole wolf thing didn't take, so I ended up with a human family in Fort Myers, Florida.

After a strange youth spent in Southwest Florida, I ran off to the University of Missouri at age 18 (because I realized I was free to leave) where I studied journalism and barbecue.

I then went onto a job at an afternoon paper in Independence, Missouri before moving to Seattle and becoming a freelance writer.

Not many people know this, but freelance is from the Latin for unemployed. "Free", meaning no pay and "lance", a guy.

I ran away from home in 1996 and went to see the world. After being chased by prostitutes, flashing a boatload of tourists and being given a special massage in a Turkish bath, I returned home to edit a coffee magazine even though I don’t like coffee.

Then the magazine went belly up.

I write funny and I am on my way to becoming a syndicated humor columnist. My comic influences are Mark Twain, Calvin Trillin, Garrison Keillor, Dave Barry, the guy who just paid me to write a humor piece, David Letterman, and my wife.